365 Dick Moves – I Want Your Stories

Harry Cooper, “Night of the Living Dead” (1968). Even if his family had lived, he’d still be a total dick.

Have you ever done something terrible? So rude you don’t want people to know about it? Of course you have, you’re human. Even if you think you’re a good person, a recent study at the Goldsmiths, University of London shows you’re a bigger ass than you think you are.

I want your stories. I’m collecting tales of immense prickishness for a book entitled “365 Dick Moves.” If you or your significant other have an asshole experience, I want them. Too embarrassed? Still married to the person whose favorite childhood keepsake you “accidentally” flushed down the toilet? That’s fine. This is anonymous. I don’t even want to know your name. I just want your story about being an asshole (email your stories to jason@jasonoffutt.com).

What am I looking for? Let’s take a lesson from one of the most famous dicks in history, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill:

Churchill took shit from no one.

Socialite Lady Nancy Astor apparently once told Churchill, “Winston, you are drunk.” Churchill’s reply was a simple. “I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

This is a dick move of legend.

What I DON’T want are stories that start with, “I picked up the hitchhiker because I’d never tasted human flesh,” or finish with, “and that’s the last liquor store I ever burned down.” Nothing illegal, disgusting, or evil. Just stories about one human being a major jerk to another.

Disastrous mistakes, well-plotted FUs, and spur-of-the-moment acts of prickish genius are not only welcomed, they’re encouraged. No one will know who you are, not even me.

Here are some stories I’ve already received. The Terrible Parade starts … now:

365 Dick Moves

  • “I gaslighted my husband. For a couple of weeks, every time I drove by his work I moved his car a space, sometimes two. Just enough he knew something might be off, but not enough for him to know for sure. He asked me about it, but I pretended not to know what he was talking about. Then I stopped. He still has no idea. I suggested therapy.”
  • “I broke up with a girl in college by giving her a present that looked the size of a figurine she wanted, and weighed about the same as a figurine she wanted, but when she opened the package it was a Massengill douche. Spring Rain, if I remember correctly.”
  • “At a Renaissance fair a peasant girl reached out to drag me into a maypole dance. It was cold and I hadn’t brought gloves, so I’d pulled my hands into my jacket sleeves. When she went for me I pretended I didn’t have hands. The embarrassment on her face was painful. I just nodded sadly and she danced away.”

Email your stories to jason@jasonoffutt.com.