When fate strikes, be ready
I've seen a UFO.
OK, OK, that's crazy, right? But I didn't say I saw a flying saucer. There's a difference. The difference being, people who see flying saucers are the kind of people who forget to take their Zoloft and point shotguns at government revenuers -- real or not. The people who see Unidentified Flying Objects are average people who either can't explain what they saw, or may have actually seen a flying saucer but aren't stupid enough to admit it.
Yeah, that's me.
I was driving home one night on a road that ran along a line of hills, a vast flat stretch of river bottoms spreading out to my left. Led Zeppelin was on the stereo. Well, I don't actually remember if I was listening to Led Zeppelin that night, but with me it's always a good bet so I'll even claim I was listening to "Houses of the Holy," so shut up.
Stars sprinkled the clear, black sky like glitter on a kindergarten project. It was warm, so I had my window down and was thumping the outside of the car door completely out of rhythm with the song. Then I saw the light.
A green ball, with a tail like a comet, moved horizontally across the sky somewhere over the river bottoms. I would have thought the object was an airplane except for the color, which was closer to the glow of kryptonite than that of airplane running lights.
I'd paralleled the light for about two miles when I slowed the car to delay driving behind a line of trees -- then the light shot off at a right angle and within two seconds had disappeared into the night.
My first thought was, "Hey, that was cool."
My second thought was, "Can I make any money off this?"
My third thought was, "I can't tell anyone. They'll think I'm crazy."
The third thought prevailed because whenever someone mentions anything out of the ordinary, people will look at them like they're crazy.*
The problem is this: Our society has enough crazy people to fulfill us. We call them celebrities. After that, people who see odd things -- like UFOs -- are just people who get in the way.
So, if you hear, see or do something weird, just check Uncle Jason's Crazy Chart to see if you're going to be OK, or need to learn how to become an actor.
The five things that will prove you're not crazy when you see a UFO:
1. A body. If you have a dead body of something out of this world -- and the men-in-black shadow government goons don't snatch it away in the night -- that might just prove you're not nuts. Note: A human body doesn't count unless it's an Olsen twin.
2. Photographic evidence. This is tricky. Unless you're making bunny ears behind the head of a little gray guy with a butt probe, nobody's going to believe it.
3. Booze. Lots and lots of booze. Preferably Mezcal shot into fruit with syringes. Oh, and maybe some Everclear. That's always helpful in proving chemically-induced psychosis.
4. Multiple witnesses. Nothing says truth like corroboration, unless the people who saw the UFO with you are the type of people you wouldn't want interviewed if you were running for political office. Then, I'd suggest hanging out with a different crowd.
5. If you're really, really pretty, you can get away with anything, so disregard 1 through 4.
Huh? What if you see Bigfoot? Don't get me started on Bigfoot ·
*Such as, "I like Jessica Simpson for her musical talent." Everyone sees through that. Don't lie.
