Sneezing season seizes victim
I sneezed. My head felt like it was full of pudding, some of which was leaking.
If anyone was betting on which sneeze of the day that was, 1 million and one or 1 million and two, sorry, I lost count somewhere around the population of Borneo.
There was a time allergies and I were at peace. Spring would poke its nosy head into my life and club my friend winter over the head. For the next six months I'd mourn my loss of clean air by popping pseudoephedrine and driving heavy equipment under the influence of a substance that's package warned me not to _ oh, and it may cause excitability in young children. Then winter would recover from its mugging, give me the NFL season and I would sneeze at nothing until May.
When I was a kid, allergies were caused by pollen, sunspots and occasionally Satan. Today I'm told my allergies are caused by mold.
But mold is a friendly substance associated with petri dishes, really good cheese and saving medieval peasants from the bubonic plague. If mold is responsible for penicillin, fermentation and making Roquefort taste good, why does it hate me?
I don't think it does. Much like eggs, smoking and Lee Harvey Oswald, mold is just the scapegoat of something much more sinister. My fellow allergy sufferers, our nasal drip problems aren't caused by mold, they're caused by the source of all of life's problems _ the government.
Exhibit A: Global warming. Whether the catalyst for our ever-warming planet is caused by our government-sanctioned dependence on fossil fuels, a giant ball of hydrogen fire 93 million miles away, or super-intelligent camels that will one day take over the planet, all this unseasonable warmth makes for one long, pollen-laden spring.
Exhibit B: Nuisance rules. Every city government has an ordinance on its books that requires property owners to mow their yards which stirs up pollen and exposes us to sunspots. Is the Third Reich dead? Oh, no, my friend. You vill mow das grass und schneezers be damned, ya? Now, go burn das books, but neicht in the city limits.
Exhibit C: Methamphetamines. What's the main ingredient in brain-melting meth? I mean other than red phosphorous, Drano and other substances that would normally kill a human being. It's pseudoephedrine. To cut down on meth production, the government has limited public access to the only substance that makes me feel better.
Conclusion: I'm confused and my eyes itch.
Although I can't prove the government has caused my allergies, I do know that, much like the War in Iraq, by fighting the war on drugs the government has hasn't done anything to help.
Couldn't municipalities just put Valium in the water system instead of fluoride? Sure we allergy sufferers would still sneeze, but we just wouldn't care.
Achoo.
