What are they feeding our kids?
The baby sqwonked, but it was time for dinner. I sqwonk when it's time for dinner, too.
"Are you hungry, baby?" I asked, doing what parents have done since Neanderthal man first learned how to say 'ook' - ask a baby who can't speak a question it actually knows the answer to. It's gotta be tough being a baby.
"Yaaaa, yaaaa, yaaaa, yaaaa ..." she screamed, sucked her thumb, then screamed some more.
Baby hungry noises, when translated into English, go something like this: Feed me, feed me, feed me ... thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb ... can't you hear me, can't you hear me, can't you hear me ... thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb ... I'll call a social worker. I'm not bluffing ... thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb ...
And it only gets uglier from there.
"How about some ..."
"Yaaammrrrppttthht," she yelled in my face. It's pretty amazing how much drool a six-month-old can send airborne when she makes an effort.
"OK," I said, walking to the kitchen. "I'll see if we have any yaaammrrrppttthht."
There are times in a parent's life when we're proud, like when our kid starts using the potty. There are times when we're afraid, like when our kid's standing on the roof of the garage wearing a Superman cape. And there are times when we feel sorry for our baby, like when we're feeding them baby food.
The baby food shelf reads like a list of B horror movies. Chicken-broccoli, ham-asparagus, spinach-carrot, rhubarb-sod, Freddie-vs-Jason-vs-Cauliflower. Who came up with these combinations, Chef Boyardee's evil twin, Chef Boyardon't?
OK, OK, so there are some great baby foods; Dutch apple dessert, and, and, and ... well, maybe peaches. But apart from these gems, most baby food is like the stuff we feed astronauts who've been bad.
1960s NASA official: We need something for our astronauts that is healthy, compact, and comes in under budget. So don't worry about texture ... or flavor.
1960s nutritionist (who scored the lowest bid): Well, I can give them roast beef, potatoes, toothpaste, lard and hemorrhoid cream in the same tube.
1960s NASA official: Perfect.
"How about some turkey-linoleum-noodle?" I asked.
"Pllllllth," she said, although I knew she meant 'I could pick better tasting stuff out of the carpet.'
"Yeah, I see what you mean."
I closed my eyes and pulled a random jar off the shelf. I just couldn't consciously pick beef-rice-terrycloth robe and feed it to my baby. At least if I picked it by accident, I wouldn't feel so mean.
Why don't they make baby foods like chili, or pizza, or Twinkies? You know, something normal people eat. I looked at the jar I'd picked off the shelf: peaches. Just peaches.
"Well, baby girl, it looks like this is your lucky day," I said.
Geez, with the baby food she's used to eating, it's no wonder she gets mad at dinner time.
