Ballots are still better than bullets
Watching the results of the Palestinian parliamentary vote, happy I was safe at home on my couch, I decided any picture of an election celebration that includes smiling people and assault rifles probably isn't good for tourism.
Especially since these people were celebrating the terrorist organization Hamas becoming the ruling party of Palestine.
"Hey, Charlie, where are you and the missus going on vacation this year? Hawaii?"
"Nope," Charlie said, pointing at a travel brochure. "The Middle East. Says here with the purchase of a Yasser Arafat bobblehead I can wrap myself with dynamite and drive an '84 Yugo into a commuter bus. Can't do that in Hawaii."
Any political group like Hamas that campaigned and won on the platform of destroying another country* is beyond the average American's comprehension. Sure, we'll sit in a bar and let Wild Turkey explain to everyone within shouting distance that the new Iranian president is nuttier than our uncle in the attic and we should take him out now. But we know the guy sitting next to us isn't going to go do it.
We've got it pretty good here. I hope you appreciate it.
Election day in the United States is less about bloodshed and more about relief that the stupid thing's over no matter who won. Why? Because our candidates don't address issues anyone cares about. The average person doesn't care about a balanced budget. The average person doesn't care about abortion. And the average person doesn't care about school funding.
All we want are low taxes, good roads and the comfort that comes from someone not driving a Yugo filled with dynamite into anything. After that, we want the government to stay the hell out of our way.
At least on the national level, today's Republicans and Democrats are basically the same wieners who talk about the same issues every year. What I wouldn't give for a Truman Democrat and a Reagan Republican duking it out for office. That'd be fun.
The closest we'll come to that is a vampire.
Self-proclaimed vampire**, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, is running for governor of Minnesota on the ticket of Vampyres, Witches and Pagans. I'm not sure how he stands on taxes, but he wants to execute convicted murders and child molesters by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state Capitol. Oh, and he wants to do it personally.
I'd kinda go for that.
And he might win. Minnesota voters who elected former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura as governor eight years ago are as close to European voters, who put ex-porn stars in office, as we'll get in the United States.
But other than Minnesota, our voter mentality is good old American apathy. Only the people who care about things get out and vote. Unfortunately, most of those people care about things the rest of us don't.
Who knows, if there's a good game on during an election, Hamas could win over here, too.
*Israel. I think Israel is like that kid a group of neighborhood bullies picks on until he can't stand it anymore and uses Tae Kwon Do. My prediction for 2006 Israel goes Tae Kwon Do on somebody.
**I saw an interview with Sharkey standing in sunlight, so I don't think he's a real vampire.
