Just kick back and be healthy
There's a bike in my basement. A big, full-sized 10-speed bicycle with tires that still hold air and a clip that would still hold a water bottle if I hadn't lost it.
It was calling to me.
Summer's a strange time when those highly respected in your life - doctors, your family, the TV, strange voices in your head - encourage you to do something as alien to today's American as not going to the drive-through at McDonald's. They want you to exercise.
I used to exercise, and I used to like it. Then things like my job, the riding lawnmower and lunchtime naps got in the way. Now I get winded walking to the car. Hey, for your information, there are four steps on my porch.
But, buckling to the popular opinion that exercise is actually good for you, I pulled the bike out of the basement and started riding it every morning.
I used to love bicycling. As a kid, I'd ride all over town and not break a sweat. Now, as I looked at yet another hill, it's 45-degree incline hazy from all the sweat in my eyes, I realized two things were different than when I was a kid; 1) my hometown was flat, and this town is Machu Picchu; and 2) at 42, there's a whole lot more wheezing involved in riding a bike than I remember. It must have something to do with air quality.
Well, I guess I actually realized three things, I now know why serious cyclists stand while they pedal. I always figured it had something to do with using your body weight to generate more speed. Nope, that's just a side benefit. Cyclists stand because their butts hurt.
Later, rasping like sailor in a troubled sub while I lay on my living room floor only because my knees were no longer up to the whole standing thing, I wondered why people say it feels good to exercise.
I didn't feel good. Heck, I didn't even feel good enough to feel bad. And then it came to me. Oh, it might have been because of the lack of oxygen to my brain, but it seemed clear enough at the time - exercise can not be good for you.
So, if exercise isn't good for you, what else have doctors been lying about all these years? The dangers of red meat? Smoking? Sugar? It's all a great conspiracy from the vitamin/Bowflex/exercise video cartels to keep the American public sweaty, sleepy and exhausted. We can't revolt against the establishment if we can't stand.
People, listen up: Drop the yogurt, get off that treadmill, light up a Lucky Strike and head to Dairy Queen. Then after your burger and fries settle and you cuddle up to some nice chocolate ice cream, I want you tell me which feels better, a morning of searing muscle pain or that first swig of chocolate shake.
We're on to you, Corporate America. Oh, yeah, we're on to you, and we'll never be sweaty again.
