Are you smarter than a chimp?
A recent news report claims chimps are more evolved than humans.
Oh, great. Most people in this country don't realize professional wrestling's fake, and now we've got this to worry about. It's no wonder space aliens haven't made official contact with us. They're too busy negotiating trade agreements with a 12-year-old alpha male named Bobo.
To scientists, "more evolved" means a greater number of chimp genes mutating in a way that benefit the chimp compared with fewer human genes mutating in a way that benefit humans. This basically means if given a driver's license, even a chimp can be taught to use a turn signal. I can't say this for most Americans.
Are chimps more evolved than humans? Let's see ...
In January, a chimpanzee named Judy escaped from her enclosure at the Little Rock Zoo and found her way into a service area. Before zookeepers discovered this and sedated her, Judy (get used to calling apes by their first name) opened the refrigerator, drank a few sodas and had a snack.
Oh, sure, you're thinking. My teenager does that all the time.
Then Judy went into the bathroom and cleaned the toilet with a brush and sponge.
Let's see your teenager do that.
In April, the zoo in Antwerp, Belgium posted a warning to visitors not to form a bond with one of the male chimps. The chimp, raised by humans, has problems identifying with other chimps, apparently because none of the other chimps watch "House."
A sign in front of the chimp exhibit reads, "Look away when an animal seeks to make contact with you, or take a step back. Some individuals are more interested with visitors than their own kind."
Duh. If I were a chimp at Antwerp, I'd find the Belgians hilarious.
Also in April, Cheetah celebrated his 75th birthday. Yes, Cheetah - the one from the 1930s Tarzan movies - is the world's oldest chimpanzee. Dressed in a SpongeBob Squarepants party hat, Cheetah was photographed drinking a diet soda and eating cake. Cheetah also enjoys painting and probably wearing his pants really, really high.
And, in 1991, a talking chimp named Caesar staged a bloody coup in California that ended with the removal of humans as the dominant life form on the planet ...
Uh, sorry. I was channeling "Conquest of the Planet of the Apes" again. This usually happens after a few banana daiquiris.
The question is, are we less evolved than chimps?
Given the fact that humans have the bomb, Las Vegas, "American Idol," AOL, Paris Hilton, Hummers, PETA, "Two and a Half Men," Congress, Diet Coke Plus, Hardee's and Al Gore - of course we're less evolved than chimps.
But, at least we don't solve our problems by throwing poo. Look up, people; we've got that going for us.
