Dangerous thoughts go unspoken
My pants were tight. Not in a growth spurt way. Not in a rock star way. And not in an early '80s guy-with-feathered-hair way. I was just too fat.
Stupid holidays.
Geez, I thought, envying the stealth technology employed by calories, I gotta drop some pounds. I guess I should have noticed the weight gain while it was happening, but I was too busy eating.
"I'm going on a diet after the baby's born," my wife had said at some point in her pregnancy. But she's also said things like, "do they make jalapeņo and peanut butter milkshakes?" so I'm having problems coping with reality.
Great, I thought, we can go on a diet together. Of course, much like Bill Clinton telling the American public "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," or O.J. Simpson saying, "I didn't kill my wife. But if I had _" I did something stupid _ I spoke.
What I said in my head: Honey, I need to lose weight.
What I thought would be my wife's response: OK, let's go on Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Atkins/South Beach/whatever after I have the baby.
What I actually said: When are you going on a diet?
Things always sound better in my head.
I learned something valuable from this: When your wife is pregnant, unless there are Russians or space aliens attacking the house, don't talk. Don't talk to yourself, don't talk in your sleep, don't answer the phone, and don't speak to your wife unless she speaks first -- ever. She's pregnant, so you've done enough, haven't you?
"What are you saying?" she said/hissed/burned into my soul.
A few words stumbled out of my mouth and fell harmlessly to the floor. What I needed was a good press agent, although, in the course of polling members of the household to calculate my approval rating, and preparing the heartfelt speech I'd deliver to the American public, my wife would have probably nailed him to a tree.
Guys, here are the five things you should never say to a pregnant woman. Cut this out and stick it to the fridge:
- Where's all the ice cream/pizza/ham? Replace "ice cream/pizza/ham" with "beer" and think how you'd react.
- You're waddling. Insert a live weasel into a pumpkin, surgically implant the pumpkin between your ribs and bladder, then try to walk across a grocery store parking lot. Yeah, it's a lot like that.
- Are you going to eat that? Yes, she is. Back off.
- I've had a rough day. Job had a rough day. Abraham Lincoln had a rough day. Darth Vader had a rough day. To a pregnant woman, they're whiners.
- Do you need help with that? Although this question sounds helpful, caring and earnest, your wife wouldn't need help if you'd done the chore yourself.
Oh, yeah, it's that complicated.
