Missing it all and not missing a thing
The room was warm and dark and smelled of popcorn. My wife and I sat on my mom's couch, staring at a remote control that had more buttons than the bridge of the Enterprise. I think we were afraid to touch it.
"Are you going to do it?" my wife asked.
I nodded and reached for the remote, the wand that would amaze TV viewers from a simpler time almost slipping from my fingers, but from nerves, or popcorn grease, I wasn't sure.
"One hundred seventy channels," I said, punching the remote's big red button.
The TV came on and I found news _ and it wasn't even 5, 6 or 10 p.m.
"Wow," I whispered, sinking into the couch much like most Americans did when they witnessed Neil Armstrong walk on the moon, or when Mork told Mindy he was pregnant.
Of course, almost anything amazes my wife and me _ we don't have cable television.
Whoa. I know we're bucking the trend here. Maybe we don't want to be like the 90 percent of America that subscribes to cable or satellite TV, or maybe we're just incredibly cheap.
But after years of flipping through the likes of "Becker," "Survivor," this year's version of "Joanie Loves Chachi, we just don't watch that much television ... unless it's football season.
In 1961, when FCC Chairman Newton Minow* announced that television was a "vast wasteland," it's amazing how right he was. Well, not then. We had The Andy Griffith Show then. Shame on him.
But 15 minutes into "America's Next Top Model," I again saw the wisdom of Minow's statement.
Today's TV has been reduced to seven formats:
- Bitter doctors with no bedside manner.
- Sitcoms starring guys whose wives are too hot to speak with them in real life.
- "CSI."
- Shows where people eat bugs.
- Teenagers being naughty.
- Teenagers from California being naughty.
- All of the above.
"What's on?" my wife asked.
My fingers danced over the remote.
"Battlestar Galactica," I said, pushing a button, expecting to see the 1978 version of Richard Hatch and Dirk Benedict battling big chrome robots. But the show was a 2004 remake of "Battlestar Galactica," Dirk Benedict's character was a girl, the big chrome robot was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and there was no sign of Lorne Greene anywhere.
We flipped channels for hours, watching game shows from 1984, reality shows featuring game show celebrities from 1984, and carpenters remodeling homes without permission. Trading spaces? No, I think that's called vandalism.
Maybe not having cable TV isn't so bad after all.
*Trivia answer No. 251: In 1964, "Gilligan's Island" creator Sherwood Schwartz named the boat on the show the SS Minnow after the FCC chairman because, frankly, Schwartz didn't like him very well. Win a beer, amaze your friends ...
