The gray aliens ruined my day, again
I walked toward my coffee maker with a pot of water. It was 8 a.m., and my first class didn't start until 9 a.m., so I had plenty of time to brew a pot of coffee and enjoy a cup or two before actually having to work and screw up the whole morning.
The tiny spout on the front of the pot rested awkwardly on the lip of the coffee maker's water reservoir. The spout never looked comfortable next to the coffee maker, like the pieces weren't made to go together. It was as if somebody had taken two unrelated appliances and shoved them in the box when I bought it. Or maybe ...
"Crap," I said as the water ran down the side of the pot and into my shoe.
I'm pretty computer-savvy. I can program all sorts of electrical devices to come on at certain times, and I can even cook frozen pizzas in our oven without burning them - no, not one.
But I can't fill a coffee maker without pouring water into my shoe.
I'm pretty sure I've got a solid grasp on that whole gravity thing, and my hand-eye coordination usually keeps me from dropping bits of lunch in my lap. So I can't think of any other reason for this problem except that it's the government's fault. It's gotta be.
There's a nameless black agency somewhere, in the windowless basement of a building that looks like a communist shoe box, in charge of designing everyday appliances that make people feel stupid.
Coffee makers aren't made to be friendly. When they're not helping us become addicted to caffeine, they're helping us pour water down our pants in front of people who'll never let us forget it.
Why? Well, I haven't exactly figured that out yet, but I think it has something to do with subverting America's will to thumb our noses at the world like we enjoy. I bet the Democrats are behind it, or maybe the gray aliens.
The question is, what do I do about it?
Well, as my high school civics teacher taught me, good Americans write letters to their congressmen.
So I did.
Did I tell him about the communist shoe box? Did I tell him about my wet socks? Did I tell him we should funnel all our technological resources into designing a coffeemaker that I can pour water into without looking like an idiot?
Nope. I got to the truth of the situation. I told him we should lob bombs at Venus.
I'll let you know how everything turns out, just as soon as I get out of prison.
