Writing a guidebook for new dads
As my wife ate Skittles for a breakfast appetizer, I wondered how the baby was handling the sudden influx of sugar.
Kick boxing?
Redecorating?
Giggling uncontrollably at the word "uterus?"
Then I made my wife a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. I hope that's not considered child abuse.
Entering our sixth month of pregnancy, I've read quite a lot about what's going on with the mom's body. I've also read checklists moms are supposed to use for childproofing the house, packing for the hospital and making sure their nifty bits are ready for breast feeding.
But I haven't seen any checklist for the dad.
OK, guys don't need checklists for things like changing the oil in the mini-van, fishing or driving eight hours to visit the in-laws (bathroom, McDonald's, gas. Bathroom, McDonald's, gas). But when it comes to pregnancy, the only thing dad is fairly confident about happened more than nine months before the delivery.
Guys need daddy checklists, too.
Is there a Pregnant Dad magazine that addresses important expectant papa-related issues?
Maybe. Who knows? No man would ever read a magazine like that, anyway. We might get all sensitive and admit we like pastels.
So I've taken it upon myself to give dads an important checklist to survive pregnancy:
» Don't say anything negative for nine months.
A pregnant woman's brain is a lot like a Dairy Queen Blizzard. There's this normally sane vanilla ice cream that's suddenly flushed with erratic Oreo and Heath bar hormones. The ice cream's still sane, it's just not able to separate itself from the behavior-altering sugar-filled, crunchy goodness.
So, every word you say will be taken out of context. Silence is just self defense.
For example: Without exception, "Honey, you look great today" will be interpreted by your wife as "God, you're fat."
» The official stance on everything you do is "for the baby"
(if you're following Check 1, make flash cards).
"Why did you buy a new car stereo?"
"It's for the baby. I read that soothing music is good for them in the womb."
"Why did you go to Hooters?"
"For the baby. I needed to work on my parental speech about how we shouldn't objectify women."
See how that works?
Hint: For the question "honey, why did you drink all that beer and cuddle with the neighbor's garden gnome?" "For the baby" might not work.
» Do anything your wife wants.
If she wants the crib assembled four months before you'll have a baby to put in it, do it. If she wants the house repainted even though the baby really won't care if the former owner painted its room puce, paint it. If she wants Nutter Butters and Tabasco at 3 a.m., get them.
Why subjugate yourself?
Remember the Blizzard? Don't make her kill you in your sleep.
»Never leave the house.
One mistake a first-time dad will ultimately make is to find some excuse to get out on their own for a few hours.
This is a no, no.
If your wife begins to suspect you don't really need to leave the house, you must want to go because:
a) You don't love her.
b) You don't love the baby.
c) You'd rather sit in a bar watching a baseball game on TV than be home with her.
d) All of the above, you jerk.
There, that's it. A checklist for dads. And what lesson have we learned? That's right. You can't win. Don't try.
Oh, and tell your wife you love her - and the baby - a few thousand times a day.
Good luck.
