Let's get out while the getting is good
Fellow humans, we may not have long to live. The survival of our species could depend on one thing _ running away from the planet.
Uh, hey, Earth, I'm just going out for a pack of smokes. Don't wait up.
British astrophysicist/theorist/genius/fear monger Stephen Hawking recently told a group in Hong Kong that a disaster _ sudden global warming, nuclear war or a genetically engineered virus _ could easily wipe us out.
"It is important for the human race to spread out into space for the survival of the species," Hawking said. "We won't find anywhere as nice as Earth unless we go to another star system."
Much like the rest of 1980s America, I bought Hawking's "A Brief History of Time" and never read it, so I'm not sure if I trust him because, 1) he practically stole $11.95 from me, and 2) he's obviously never seen "Alien."
Sure, living on another planet sounds good until bloody-fanged space monsters feed on our flesh. But looking on the positive side, maybe we'll find a brand new world to trash. One without concrete, polystyrene or environmentalists to tell us we shouldn't use concrete and polystyrene.
Of course, the major problem with trusting the future of humanity to space exploration is whom we'd trust it to.
NASA, long known for its well thought-out ideas and efficient use of our tax dollars, has produced this short list* of planets for our relocation:
Planet of the Apes: Earthlike, hospitable. Indigenous life: Talking apes with guns. Lots and lots of guns. Pros: The Statue of Liberty. Cons: Talking apes with guns. NASA's rating: Has potential.
Forbidden Planet: Earthlike, hospitable. Indigenous life: An invisible force that kills anyone who's not a mad scientist or incredibly hot. Pros: Nice climate. Cons: Annoying robot sidekick. NASA's rating: On the market a long time, will probably go cheap.
Planet X: Cold, rocky. Indigenous life: King Ghidorah, three-headed flying nemesis of Godzilla. Pros: No Godzilla. Cons: Ghidorah. Probably not a good neighbor. NASA's rating: In a bad part of town.
Tatooine: Earthlike with a noticeable lack of vegetation. Indigenous life: Sand People, Jawas, things with lots of teeth. Pros: Great bar at the spaceport. Cons: Crime lord who looks like a colon. NASA's rating: No Neighborhood Watch.
Krypton: Earthlike, hospitable. Indigenous life: A bunch of really good-looking humans. Pros: People have potential to possess super powers under the right conditions. Cons: It exploded. NASA's rating: A real fixer-upper.
Well, if we're throwing in names, I vote for the planet Hooters.
It's a lot like the Venus that Hollywood promised us in the 1950s, full of girls who just walk around and look pretty and occasionally bring you food. And the best part is, unlike those nasty Venusians, the nice ladies at Hooters don't plan to eventually kill and eat us.
Uh, unless I've completely misread them. I'll have to go back and observe for hours and hours, just to make sure.
*Garnered from a Friday afternoon of research over a bag of cheese puffs during American Movie Classics' Spaceman Month.
