You have a what in your what?
There's something sinister going on in the illegal animal trade, and it has nothing to do with illegal animal trading; it has to do with the hot new trend of stuffing wild animals down your pants.
I'm no good with trends. I never owned parachute pants, I didn't listen to Nirvana until 1999, I don't have an MP3 player, and I've missed the great trend of the '00s - wearing live animals under your clothes.
The trend started in 2002 when customs agents stopped a man flying into Los Angeles International Airport from Thailand because he had four dead birds of paradise in a carryon bag. Trendy things always come from overseas. The man, John Cusack - not the actor ... or maybe it was; actors are funny that way - had a surprise for the agents.
"I have monkeys in my pants," Cusack told customs agents.
The monkeys, two endangered slow loris pygmy monkeys, were, according to the Associated Press, "rescued from Cusack's underwear." The sentence didn't continue with "because of all that Thai food," but I can only guess.
And the trend grew from there.
In 2003, a Swedish tourist flying into Australia was arrested after customs officers discovered "four venomous baby king cobras and four baby emerald tree boas strapped to his legs." Cobras? Venomous? Strapped to his legs? Show off. Next time try stuffing a live gila monster in your Fruit-of-the-Looms if you want to be a real man.
In 2004, customs agents caught an Australian woman trying to smuggle protected Asian fish into the country because they heard "flipping noises" coming from her dress. They found 15 plastic bags filled with water and fish stored in an apron she was wearing underneath the dress.
"I have to say I got a chuckle when I read they heard flipping noises coming from her dress," said Doug Nicoll, of the Australian customs agency. "I could only imagine the look on their faces."
Yeah, I know that look ... of envy. I missed the fish in my apron bandwagon. I can only assume by his snarkiness that Nicoll missed it, too.
In 2007, an Egyptian man was detained after trying to board a plane with 700 snakes in his carryon bag. Oh, sure, the snakes weren't in his pants, but the trend's probably changed by now. It happens all the time. Stirrup pants gave way to rolled-up cuffs, mullets gave way to rat tails, and quality movies starring Eddie Murphy gave way to crappy movies starring Eddie Murphy.
Trends change, that's why they're trends.
But I'll catch up with the whole animal trend sometime; maybe by the time all the cool people are wearing lemurs on their heads. Of course, I'll have to figure out how to get this badger out of my shorts, first.
