Pull off the road and just stay there
I was driving on a busy street when my car radio went out.
OK, it's not like anyone needs a radio to drive. It was just another symptom of my car's slow, oil-burning death. I had learned to accept that. So had my car.
Then the air conditioner wouldn't work. Fine. I rolled down the window.
When I flicked on my turn signal and it ignored me like my kids, I realized I might have a problem. Turn signals, although generally untouched by today's driver, are an integral part of not dying in a fiery crash.
I stuck my arm out the window and used the good, old-fashioned arm signal for turning left.
A teenager with no shirt and his hat on backward driving his mom's car honked, whipped around me and gave me the good, old-fashioned finger.
I guess he didn't get the arm signal question right on his driver's exam.
Groups are always pushing to get the drunk, the elderly and the narcoleptic off the road. But how about the stupid?
I'm ready to start a campaign right now to revoke the driver's license of any idiot who reads in the car, eats soup or passes on the shoulder.
Do you qualify as a stupid driver? Let's find out:
1. At a four-way stop you:
a) Blow past the stop sign because you're about to miss "My Big Fat Obnoxious Certified Public Accountant."
b) Take turns like good little boys and girls.
c) Get to the stop first but wave everybody else on like the smug jerk you are.
2. Arm turn signals are:
a) Straight out for "playing airplane," up for "tossing beer bottle at road sign," down for "I just dropped my Big Mac wrapper. What are you going to do about it?"
b) Straight out for "left turn," up for "right turn," down for "slowing or stopping."
c) Straight out for "left turn," up for "right turn," in a circular motion for "I'm going to go Popeye on your ass."
3. Solid double yellow lines on the roadway mean:
a) Nothing.
b) Don't pass.
c) If you don't see a cop, you're not doing anything wrong.
4. The speed limit is a(n):
a) Unfair system of taxation by ticketing thrust upon us by a repressive government bent upon sucking every last nickel from the pockets of the working class.
b) Method of safely controlling the flow of traffic.
c) Myth.
5. Children should be:
a) Someone else's.
b) Securely buckled in with a police-inspected safety harness.
c) Bungeed to the hood with their lip shut, if they know what's good for them.
a = 2 points
b = 3 points
c = 1 point
14-15 points: You're a safe driver. Keep up the good work.
9-14 points: You're a typical American motorist and have made the world a more dangerous place. At least wear your safety belt ... oh, and a helmet.
8 points and below: Gee, you really are an idiot. Run your driver's license through a paper shredder. Then run for office.
