The ultimate solution to bad movies
The movie was terrible. I won't even tell you what it was.
Girl meets boy, boy meets a cuter girl he brushes off because Girl 1 is just so special, e-mail/cell phone/jerky friend is involved in miscommunication, Girl 1 loses boy to cuter girl, there's a crying over ice cream with girlfriends/sulking over beer with buddies montage, it all works out in the end and cuter girl has humiliating water/wedding cake/burning soufflé hilariously dumped over her head.
The sad thing is, I'd seen this movie before. Oh, not this version of it, just one of the many identical movies from decades past. I'd love to be a Hollywood scriptwriter. They all share one template and just insert different locations and character names.
"Haven't we seen this movie before?" I asked my wife who motioned me to be quiet. I have the tendency in movies to point out things like bad dialogue, unrealistic plot twists, and the fact that I'm out of popcorn when my wife just wants to watch the movie.
"Shhhh," she said through her upturned index finger.
The Boy wasn't faring much better, although, at 11 years old, this may have been his first time through the chick flick o' death.
The Boy and I slumped on the couch drank our sodas. The people on the screen were just too good looking and groomed to be anyone in real life. Yeah, like the down-and-out bad boy would really wear that much hair gel. The Boy started making machine gun noises.
Then he said something, something so brilliant in its simplicity I'm not surprised I hadn't thought of it before.
"Dad," he said, playing with his popcorn. "Don't you think every movie ever made would be a lot better with The Terminator in it?"
Good Gravy, he was right.
Gone With the Wind
Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett... Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?The Terminator: Frankly, my dear, you're terminated (various gunshots).
The Wizard of Oz
Glinda the Good Witch (with Dorothy looking smugly on): You have no power here. Be gone, before somebody drops a house on you, too.The Terminator: Hasta la vista, baby, and your little dog, too (various gunshots).
A Christmas Story
(Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, strangely oblivious to the fact that Ol' Saint Nick is wearing a leather jacket and packing an Uzi .9mm.)Ralphie: I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.
Terminator Claus: I'll shoot your eye out, kid (various gunshots).
When Harry Met Sally
Harry Burns: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.Sally Albright: What?
Harry Burns: I love you.
Sally Albright: How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry Burns: How about, you love me too.
The Terminator: How about ... (various gunshots).
Yeah, those are real guy movies. I smiled and stood, relishing the fact that I would miss the "guy running in the rain" scene.
"I'm going to the kitchen for popcorn," I said, then lowered my voice. "But I'll be back."
