Want the forecast? Look out a window
Weather happens.
That fact is lost on some people - especially local weather forecasters.
Watching a local weather forecast is much like reading the Sierra Club's treatise on the environment. You know, that the earth will collapse in three years because of people who refuse to put a brick in their toilet tank.
The local weathergoob takes great pride in making the storm on their channel sound bigger, nastier and more destructive than the storm on any other channel. And, by God, they're going to stay in the newsroom weather center all night to prove it.
Although local weathergoobs' penchant for turning a dust devil into a Class 4 twister could be attributed to Nielsen ratings, I've come to the conclusion the reason is much more sinister than that.
Either:
1) A local weathergoob is as paranoid as a small dog and any drop in the barometric pressure pushes him into a Stephen Kingesque world where fluffy, cumulous clouds are controlled by Satan.
"The humidity is 85 percent. Expect a few clouds today. Wind will be out of the northwest at 10 mph and we'll have periods of light rain," weathergoob says before grabbing his head and screaming, "Oh my God, we're all going to die."
Or, 2) None of these weather guys know what they're talking about.
This is evident in the fact that although their newsroom weather centers have more computing power than the starship Enterprise, none of the local forecasts agree, but none are ever correct.
Instead of relying on a local weather forecast, maybe you should just tell yourself, "Hmmm, it's summer. Maybe I should wear shorts."
Going with the premise that weathergoobs couldn't tell you the current weather conditions by walking outside and looking up, the following are points teachers obviously don't cover in weathergoob school:
- Winter is cold. Winter happens the same time each year. People already know they're supposed to wear a hat when it's cold - you don't have to take up valuable air time reminding them.
- July is hot. Heck, it's summer. It's hot in the summer, every summer. Anywhere it's summer, it's going to be hot. That's not something to panic over. If it's summer and it snows, that's the time to panic.*
- As with cold in winter, if it's 115 degrees, people already know it's probably not a good idea to put on a parka and tar a roof. If they're stupid enough to do this, let them.
- It rains in the spring.
- It rains in the fall.
- Sometimes it rains in the summer, and sometimes it rains in the winter.
- It's just freakin' rain. If you find yourself having chest pains related to anxiety because it's going to rain, take a Zoloft and a nap.
Yeah, weather happens. I thought people would be used to it by now.
*This July, if I see any local weathergoob frying an egg on the sidewalk, I may swerve to hit them.
