What's in a name? Well, everything
There was a problem in our house and I think it was me.
"What about Odin, or Gilgamesh?" I said, grabbing random names from the database in my head I stopped updating in seventh grade. "Lord Greystoke? Zeus? Crusher?
"No," my wife said, waving me off. "We're giving our baby a name that means something."
Our baby. Yeah, it was due any time, so this discussion -- unlike the dirty-plate-in-the-sink incident -- was important.
"Clark Kent Offutt," I said, overstating every syllable like William Shatner. "That ... means ... something."
She frowned. I guess when it comes to the baby, truth, justice and the American way aren't so special.
Naming your child is one of the most important things you'll ever do for them. It ranks way above waiting in line two days to buy the new PlayStation, and just behind giving them food. Naming your baby will set the course for its life.
Sound stressful? Well, yeah, it is.
"Wolfgang," I said. "We'll buy him a piano. He'll be like that kid from Peanuts."
She shook her head.
Baby names come in trends that reflect a parents' hobby, favorite food, sports hero, drape pattern and what movie they saw the day before childbirth. If you're a 17-year-old Ariel, please stand up.
Mom: Let's name our baby something geographic?
Dad: You mean like Dolomite, or Magma?
Mom: That's geologic. I mean a place that's been special to us. We should look on a map.
Dad: Yeah, Raccoon Creek's nice. I wouldn't mind Pennsylvania. E4 might be good for a middle name, or maybe Russia. I've heard Oklahoma City is popular for girls this year.
My advice? Pick cool. Did Blaine the Great conquer the known world? Did Arnie Kahn sack Asia? Did Peggy of Arc liberate France? No. They were all home doing their nails. Why did Alexander, Genghis and Joan make history books? They had cool names.
"So," my wife said, much like a TV prosecuting attorney trying to bleed the truth from a sweaty drug pusher the audience already knows dumped the body in the reservoir. "What name do you really like for the baby?"
Hmmm, I thought. If I say what I'm thinking, I'll be like that dead guy from the last episode.
Uh...
"Mr. T Huggy Bear B.J. and the Bear Hawkeye Trapper Radar Tarzan Spock Scotty Linus Conan Space Ghost Shaggy Scooby Peyton Joe Montana Johnny Quest Offutt."
There, I thought, grinning like I was actually smart. That covers all the cool bases. She can't find a problem with ...
"OK," she said. "I'm picking the name."
Great, I thought. And Darth Vader's mom wanted to name him Francis.
